One fine day when Karan was done with his day's quota for discussing ladies and gentlemen he met in last night's party to his friends, he suddenly realized that he had nothing to do.
His mom was also out of town so he couldn't plan to go for shopping also. He tried to pass some time watching TV serials. He loves watching serials especially those which involves stories about rich families where the heroine falls prey to kitchen politics. Karan just loves kitchen politics. He doesn’t understand why people make such hue and cry demanding that these saas-bahu serials are of low art value...he just loves the big houses, the dresses and jewellery characters wear and how the storyline changes every fortnight. The best part about these serials are that there is always some festival or wedding or anniversary going on. You never feel bored. But it's sadly true that he has to criticize his favorite serials in front of others to maintain his 'cool' image.
His TV serial is over. He is feeling bored again. There is this problem with him since childhood...he gets bored very soon. So he thought of checking out some books, which he usually never does. He just can’t stand those people who talk about books, award winning movies, world literature and most irritating topic-the politics. He loves politics but only if it is kitchen politics or politics that his 'love of his life' plays.
He got one book laying on the table. It was 'The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time' by Mark Haddon. He found the title of the book very unusual and he couldn't really remember if he ever heard of it anywhere. He took up the book and came to know that this novel won Whitbread Book award in 2003. Though he had no idea about the award or the writer, he thought he would read it and could win some brownie points over those nerds in the next party.
He started reading it. It was about Christopher, who was suffering from autism. As he went ahead of the book, only thing he could think of was making a film out of that book. And the only person he could think of doing the role was ‘love of his life’ – Shahrukh. But Shahrukh is 45 and Christopher is 15. As his head was not able to think anymore (This is another problem with him, he just can’t think original), he thought to call Shahrukh and take his help.
Shahrukh comes and there starts a discussion between them.
Karan: Hey, I have just come across an interesting storyline. I think you should act in this movie and all your critics will shut up forever.
Shahrukh: Really? What’s that?
Karan: This is a story of an autistic boy. He is 15 years old and he is very smart. The novel is about how he travels alone from Swindon to London. We’ll also make a film. We’ll develop your character just like this boy. You will also be very smart in studies, you’ll also have problem with the color yellow, you’ll also have problem in crowded places especially when there is noise, you’ll also tell the truth always. But I am facing some difficulty to develop the story. I need your help.
Shahrukh: Yes, tell me. The storyline seems interesting.
Karan: (greening with joy)Thanks. The problem is that this is the story of 15 year-old-boy and you are 45. What should we do?
Shahrukh: Oh Karan! Sometime you speak so stupid! What happened if the story is about 15 year-old boy. We’ll make it the story of 25 year-old man.
Karan: But! (looking confused!) But you’re not 25 either!!
Shahrukh: (frowning) so what? Haven’t you heard of ‘on screen grafting’? That’s how they make Rajnikath looking 30 years old when he is 60 years old. We’ll also do that.
Karan: Oh Shahrukh! You are so smart!
Shahrukh: Thanks thanks J
Karan: Then there is another problem! Here they show that the boy is going to London to meet his mother. What will we show? Indian audience wont like if you go to Delhi looking for your mother. What should we do?
Shahrukh: Oh Karan! First of all let me tell you, think big. Don’t just be confined in India and think of a storyline of going to Delhi from Mumbai. Think bigger. Imagine the story in the USA! Imagine I’m going to Washington!
Karan: But what should be your purpose for travelling?
Shahrukh: That we may decide later. Let’s decide on the locations, heroine and other things.
Karan: Ok. I want Kajol. Can you manage?
Shahrukh: Done.
Karan: I want to shoot in San Francisco….no, in Los Angeles……no, in some remote village in America. I’m confused!
Sharukh: Don’t worry! We’ll have all of those cities and villages in the film. What else do you want?
Karan: Can we have awards?
Shahrukh: Of course! See, first I’ll manage the media to project the film as a classy hit film. So, even before the release, people will know that it’s a hit film. I anyway have good market outside India. Let’s make this movie on some Islamic issue. Then we’ll have more audience. By the end of the year when there will be award time, we’ll sweep all awards. Tell me how many you want?
Karan: I want Best Actor for you (gigglig)
Shahrukh: So sweet of you! Done! What else?
Karan: I want Best Actress. Long time Kajol hasn’t won any award. Then I want Best Film, Best Director, Best Music, Best Male Playback, Best Female playback, Best Cinematography, Best Story, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Dialogue and Best Editing. Ohh…also Best Sound Recording. Yes, that’s all.
Shahrukh: Look Karan, you have to be smart in picking up the awards. You can’t have all the awards. This will make everyone understand that we have actually bought them. Listen to my plan. Let’s have the Best Actress award. Good choice. This will help us convince Kajol to do the role. Leave all those technical awards. We don’t need them. We’re big. We’ll distribute them to other films. This will make people believe in the awards. We’ll take the big ones only. We can have the Best Story also. Let me see what I can do. Now tell me which one do you want among Best Film and Best Director? I think you should go for Best Director. This will give credit to you only.
Karan: (Looking a little lost!) Ok. And Best Film?
Shahrukh: We’ll give that to the actual biggest hit of the year. Alright?
Karan: What if these new breed of directors like Dibakar Banerjee, Imtiaz Ali, Vishal Bharadwaj, Anurag Kashyap or Anurag Basu come up with great movies? I am scared from them. They are so talented. Thanks to God that their fathers are not producers!
Shahrukh: Don’t worry. I’ll manage. Now let’s sit to create a rough storyline that fits to all of our requirements and the sentiment of people.
Karan: OK.
.................????.......!!!
...........????...........!!!!!!.........
!!!!.................????..............
His mom was also out of town so he couldn't plan to go for shopping also. He tried to pass some time watching TV serials. He loves watching serials especially those which involves stories about rich families where the heroine falls prey to kitchen politics. Karan just loves kitchen politics. He doesn’t understand why people make such hue and cry demanding that these saas-bahu serials are of low art value...he just loves the big houses, the dresses and jewellery characters wear and how the storyline changes every fortnight. The best part about these serials are that there is always some festival or wedding or anniversary going on. You never feel bored. But it's sadly true that he has to criticize his favorite serials in front of others to maintain his 'cool' image.
His TV serial is over. He is feeling bored again. There is this problem with him since childhood...he gets bored very soon. So he thought of checking out some books, which he usually never does. He just can’t stand those people who talk about books, award winning movies, world literature and most irritating topic-the politics. He loves politics but only if it is kitchen politics or politics that his 'love of his life' plays.
He got one book laying on the table. It was 'The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time' by Mark Haddon. He found the title of the book very unusual and he couldn't really remember if he ever heard of it anywhere. He took up the book and came to know that this novel won Whitbread Book award in 2003. Though he had no idea about the award or the writer, he thought he would read it and could win some brownie points over those nerds in the next party.
He started reading it. It was about Christopher, who was suffering from autism. As he went ahead of the book, only thing he could think of was making a film out of that book. And the only person he could think of doing the role was ‘love of his life’ – Shahrukh. But Shahrukh is 45 and Christopher is 15. As his head was not able to think anymore (This is another problem with him, he just can’t think original), he thought to call Shahrukh and take his help.
Shahrukh comes and there starts a discussion between them.
Karan: Hey, I have just come across an interesting storyline. I think you should act in this movie and all your critics will shut up forever.
Shahrukh: Really? What’s that?
Karan: This is a story of an autistic boy. He is 15 years old and he is very smart. The novel is about how he travels alone from Swindon to London. We’ll also make a film. We’ll develop your character just like this boy. You will also be very smart in studies, you’ll also have problem with the color yellow, you’ll also have problem in crowded places especially when there is noise, you’ll also tell the truth always. But I am facing some difficulty to develop the story. I need your help.
Shahrukh: Yes, tell me. The storyline seems interesting.
Karan: (greening with joy)Thanks. The problem is that this is the story of 15 year-old-boy and you are 45. What should we do?
Shahrukh: Oh Karan! Sometime you speak so stupid! What happened if the story is about 15 year-old boy. We’ll make it the story of 25 year-old man.
Karan: But! (looking confused!) But you’re not 25 either!!
Shahrukh: (frowning) so what? Haven’t you heard of ‘on screen grafting’? That’s how they make Rajnikath looking 30 years old when he is 60 years old. We’ll also do that.
Karan: Oh Shahrukh! You are so smart!
Shahrukh: Thanks thanks J
Karan: Then there is another problem! Here they show that the boy is going to London to meet his mother. What will we show? Indian audience wont like if you go to Delhi looking for your mother. What should we do?
Shahrukh: Oh Karan! First of all let me tell you, think big. Don’t just be confined in India and think of a storyline of going to Delhi from Mumbai. Think bigger. Imagine the story in the USA! Imagine I’m going to Washington!
Karan: But what should be your purpose for travelling?
Shahrukh: That we may decide later. Let’s decide on the locations, heroine and other things.
Karan: Ok. I want Kajol. Can you manage?
Shahrukh: Done.
Karan: I want to shoot in San Francisco….no, in Los Angeles……no, in some remote village in America. I’m confused!
Sharukh: Don’t worry! We’ll have all of those cities and villages in the film. What else do you want?
Karan: Can we have awards?
Shahrukh: Of course! See, first I’ll manage the media to project the film as a classy hit film. So, even before the release, people will know that it’s a hit film. I anyway have good market outside India. Let’s make this movie on some Islamic issue. Then we’ll have more audience. By the end of the year when there will be award time, we’ll sweep all awards. Tell me how many you want?
Karan: I want Best Actor for you (gigglig)
Shahrukh: So sweet of you! Done! What else?
Karan: I want Best Actress. Long time Kajol hasn’t won any award. Then I want Best Film, Best Director, Best Music, Best Male Playback, Best Female playback, Best Cinematography, Best Story, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Dialogue and Best Editing. Ohh…also Best Sound Recording. Yes, that’s all.
Shahrukh: Look Karan, you have to be smart in picking up the awards. You can’t have all the awards. This will make everyone understand that we have actually bought them. Listen to my plan. Let’s have the Best Actress award. Good choice. This will help us convince Kajol to do the role. Leave all those technical awards. We don’t need them. We’re big. We’ll distribute them to other films. This will make people believe in the awards. We’ll take the big ones only. We can have the Best Story also. Let me see what I can do. Now tell me which one do you want among Best Film and Best Director? I think you should go for Best Director. This will give credit to you only.
Karan: (Looking a little lost!) Ok. And Best Film?
Shahrukh: We’ll give that to the actual biggest hit of the year. Alright?
Karan: What if these new breed of directors like Dibakar Banerjee, Imtiaz Ali, Vishal Bharadwaj, Anurag Kashyap or Anurag Basu come up with great movies? I am scared from them. They are so talented. Thanks to God that their fathers are not producers!
Shahrukh: Don’t worry. I’ll manage. Now let’s sit to create a rough storyline that fits to all of our requirements and the sentiment of people.
Karan: OK.
.................????.......!!!
...........????...........!!!!!!.........
!!!!.................????..............
5 comments:
I bet this guy even bought over critics... wat a pathetic film!
Watch out! This might get you a nasty whack from SRK fans soon… luckily first two visitors do not belong to that club.
Nice hilarious story though. I bet most of his movies must have this sort of launch.
I had forwarded this story to few friends (carefully excluding fans). All of them are so thankful to you for making them understand how such pathetic ideas can be filmed.
Hi Gaurab,
Thanks for your comment. Yes I was planning to add that point also...but I missed the content somehow...yes I believe that Shahrukh is the greatest film star in India when it comes to media management, media manipulation, buying awards and buying critics.. :)
Thanks again for letting your friends read my story :)
Hi IdontNeedName,
Thanks for the comment. Shahrukh fans are also welcome :) they should know the real face of their favourite star... :)
I was a Shah Rukh fan and probably I still am when he does not work on bull shit movies in collaboration Karan Johar. In fact, one should be thankful to you for dramatising what might be the thought process and the activities involved when KJo and SRK makes films like that. I would also like to add a few more names along with KJo - Mr. Vikram Bhatt, Ms. Tanuja Chandra, Mr. Yash Chopra (who I know does not belong to this category since he nowadays produces senseless films - C'mon he has grown too old) I bet if these guys want to inspire new and original ideas, they definitely can, provided their body produces new cells at times.
Madhushree
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